reconciling with this illness

i have been struggling so far this year, feeling like it is hard to keep up.

mental illness has re-entered my life, something i still do not want to accept as part of my identity. depression + anxiety are a combo that i find myself grappling with more frequently.  it seems like the ongoing stress of my jobs, combined with getting older and being more honest with myself, brings me back to the realization that I have an illness.  one that limits me in ways that I do not easily accept.

medication helps.  strategies to ground myself help. lisa helps.  my family helps.  my friends help.

but  help can not rewire my psyche, can not undo this genetic inheritance.

i know that depression + anxiety are not all that I am, that there is so much more of me beyond this illness.

it is hard to see those corners, to see out beyond this illness.

we have been worshipping with a congregation new to us for the last several weeks.  there is some reconciliation for us in this place.  the worship gathering emphasizes communion as a sacrement of reconciliation, as a expression of mending our ragged lives, of weaving us into the communal God.

i hope for a reconciliation with this illness, that I can make peace with my limitations, that I can lay down my loss and know that even as I am, I am loved.

Comments

[Corn Flour Mill Manufacturer]

I prefer the family with mom which is not rich but ample in my heart.

["cold sore remedies "]

On your situation, you must be understood by everybody in your environment. You are too sensitive in many things because of your illness. I feel so pity in your situation now.

[Bob Carlton]

God is good...all the time. And all the time...God is good

[Mary Hess]

You're in my prayers! And if you haven't read Parker Palmer on his struggles with depression, it might not be a bad thing to read...

[Stephen Kinney]

I love you Bob. Hang in there and know I'm sloshing you in prayer.

[Tony Jones]

Hang in there, friend. May God's Spirit reconcile you...

[Mike Croghan]

Bob, this was me last year - nine months of anxiety and depression after nine years of relative normalcy, that I had hoped might be permanent. In the tenth month, I got better. We usually do, I guess, though "better" may be temporary. But a good friend of mine who is also a kickass psychiatrist recently told me that mental illness usually gets less severe, on average, with age. Not that any of that makes it much easier to find comfort or hope when you're in the midst of this crap.

Anyway, asking God's presence in your life right now.

Peace,
Mike

[Rachel]

my hope joins with yours, as one who knows of what you speak. you are--deeply--loved.