The Corner

what comes after do not be afraid ?

i have been more aware of fear over the last few years of my life.  

in my 20s & 30s, I spent a lot of energy keeping fear at bay, like some counterinsurgency battle in the wilds of the some war-torn area.  the crackle of fire hummed like a radio buzzer---me, still trying to be asleep, looking to hit snooze.  or the pull the damn pout of the cord out of the wall.

as a teenager, I know fear like I knew the alphabet.  I could watch the sentences of fear assemble - when my Dad seemed to fade in & out of life.  it seemed like there was no key to decipher the transmissions - I had stumbled on a receiver that played fear 24/7.

right now, it is like an electrical current in me.  I often wonder if I will spend all my life with fear as a traveling partner.

the holy writings of the tradition that I follow include what seems like a key - the phrase do not be afraid is said to be found 365 times.  in so many different contexts, the Holy One shows up, we are filled with fear and that Holy One says do not be afraid.

ok.

got it.

how what ?

a note to the universe: please change my status from vulnerable

/ (vŭlˈnər-ə-bəl)/

1. capable of being wounded or hurt
2. susceptible to criticism or persuasion or temptation
3. susceptible to attack

I have been vulnerable a lot recently.

I do not like this.

I REALLY do not like this.

I feel the pull to man up, to take care of what needs to be taken care of, to protect and repeal all risk and danger.

I prefer the numbing buzz of stuff to do & things I know - the vuvuzela of modern life that pushes out most of my awareness, consumes so much of my attention that the susceptibility is just outside of my vision. 

It confuses me that so many stories of holiness take place in the shaky camera view of vulnerability, that David wrote all those songs and that Julian was enthralled with the vulnerabilities that seemed to consume her.

this is not the operating system that came with my life, it is not the worldview I was bathed in, it is not the race we rats run.

when I think back to the rare stretches of time I spent with my Dad before he passed on, I remember just how vulnerable it seemed, like that sound of CRACK just before the awareness of something breaking unfolds.  honestly, that musty stench of vulnerability hung all around my Dad, so much so I avoided it for more than 30 years.

my status seems stuck on vulnerable.  I'd like it changed to having it all together, all perfectly put together, even if that is pretend. 

I prefer the pretend to the vulnerable.

out of time

i've had some odd experiences of time over the last few days.

the odd-ness of hospital time.  waiting for the doc, waiting for lab results, waiting to see how long we wait.

the richness of unplanned time with family.  stretches of being together, doing stuff that is so normal & so precious.

for the last year, I spent a lot of my life constrained by time, like I was in a suit 2 sizes too small. sometimes, I'd feel like I was gasping for time, other times racing a locomotive of time.

in my immediate family, I am the only person who wears a watch.  no big deal, but I am often aware of time and the counting of it.

it is a gift to be out of time for a while