i have been struggling so far this year, feeling like it is hard to keep up.
mental illness has re-entered my life, something i still do not want to accept as part of my identity. depression + anxiety are a combo that i find myself grappling with more frequently. it seems like the ongoing stress of my jobs, combined with getting older and being more honest with myself, brings me back to the realization that I have an illness. one that limits me in ways that I do not easily accept.
medication helps. strategies to ground myself help. lisa helps. my family helps. my friends help.
but help can not rewire my psyche, can not undo this genetic inheritance.
i know that depression + anxiety are not all that I am, that there is so much more of me beyond this illness.
it is hard to see those corners, to see out beyond this illness.
we have been worshipping with a congregation new to us for the last several weeks. there is some reconciliation for us in this place. the worship gathering emphasizes communion as a sacrement of reconciliation, as a expression of mending our ragged lives, of weaving us into the communal God.
i hope for a reconciliation with this illness, that I can make peace with my limitations, that I can lay down my loss and know that even as I am, I am loved.